Let me set a quick scene for you: It’s 11am on the day of an essay contest’s deadline, and the lump in your chest is that delightful combination of panic and writer’s block.
Not just any contest, but for the Book Passage travel writers and photographers conference – an event you’ve been looking forward to all summer.
Never mind that you’ve had the entire aforementioned summer to write the essay – the fact is that all you have right now is that glaring blank screen in front of you, and exactly nine hours to fill it.
* * *
So it was that I found myself two weeks ago, strapped to my desk, horrified that I’d waited until the last minute for something so important.
The hours leading up to the deadline ticked by faster than they do for a kid on the last day of summer. For every sentence I squeezed out, I had to stop – for a goodbye lunch with my cousin, for a pedicure with my mother (because that’s how we roll), and then, at 7.45 that night – fifteen minutes before the essay was due – to see why I could hear my sister crying downstairs.
Everything, it seemed, kept getting in my way – and yet the biggest thing determined to stop me was myself.
I found fault in every word, in every phrase. I felt like I kept missing the point, like the story was going nowhere. I had no idea what I was trying to say. At 8pm, I had exactly half the essay written.
“It’s not happening,” I told my family, feeling more relief than defeat at that moment.
“Get back upstairs,” my mother said, unforgiving. “You’re going to finish it.”
And so it was that two hours later, I finally sent the darned thing off with a pleading apology to the conference organizer for it having been a “hectic week,” when really, the only thing hectic about it was my own ridiculousness.
I glanced at the essay occasionally over the next few days, trying to balance out thoughts of, What the heck was I thinking?, with a marginally more encouraging, I guess it’s not so bad after all. But I mostly tried to pretend it’d never happened.
Out of sight, out of mind, right?
* * *
Now let me set a different scene for you – it’s 2pm on the last day of the conference and time for the annual “Suitcase Awards.” The photography contest winners are announced first, then Don George – author of the Lonely Planet guide to travel writing who has had a huge influence on me as a writer – takes the stage for the essay contest.
“We had a lot of strong entries this year,” Don starts off saying, “so much so that we’ve decided to highlight six of them.”
Three honorable mentions are called out, then third place, then second. As each name is revealed, my heart races a little bit more – mainly because my name hasn’t been called. And it isn’t for first place either, not yet anyways. All Don reads is the title of the winning essay.
By which point my heart isn’t racing – it’s actually stopped. Because it’s the very same title I’d hastily come up with one week earlier.
For the next fifteen minutes, as Don George himself reads out my essay in front of the conference, my emotions run in circles – from take-that-stupid-grin-off-your-face happiness to omg-I-think-I’m-going-to-cry disbelief back to bliss.
It was the highlight to end a weekend full of highlights.
But here’s my point:
There was a question I’d been asking myself all weekend – what if I hadn’t come? – and in the final hours of the conference, it took on a slightly different shape – what if I hadn’t entered the contest?
In both cases, though, the question I was really asking was: What if I had let fear win? Fear of putting myself out there, fear of meeting editors I respect and admire and want to work with.
Fear of being in a place where my dreams might take one more step towards becoming my reality.
And I suppose that’s why I wanted to share this story with you – not to say, “Hey! I won some essay contest,” but to show you, “Hey! Here’s how I almost didn’t win an essay contest.” Because what meant the most to me about the entire experience was not walking up front after Don read my piece, but knowing what I’d worked through to get there.
Sometimes the easiest thing in the world is to not do the thing we most want to do, because inaction will always feel safer than action. Why risk failure and disappointment when our comfort zone is oh so comfy and warm?
What is that thing for you? The thing that terrifies you, but also excites you?
Maybe it’s that little plan you’ve always had in the back of your mind to move somewhere else. To New York, or San Francisco, or another country altogether. Maybe it’s your first solo trip, or a charity you’ve wanted to start, or a blog you’d like to set up. Maybe – like Book Passage was for me – it’s a conference you want to attend, that could open crazy, unthinkable doors for you.
My friend Lindsay recently posted a quote on her blog from the poet Ted Hughes, a quote so perfectly relevant that I have to share it here too:
“The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated. And the only thing people regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough heart, didn’t love enough. Nothing else really counts at all.”
Let’s make a pact to live boldly – a pact to follow our fears – because they just might be pointing to what we most want in life.
Congratulations! What a wonderful and exciting accomplishment! I find that some of my best writing happens when I’m doing it at the last minute. The pressure of a looming deadline doesn’t give me a chance to over think my words and that’s when my writing becomes most honest and flows most naturally. It sounds like the same happened to you for this essay. Kudos! 🙂
Thanks for your comment, Kaleena, it’s great to see you here again! You’re exactly right – there’s something oddly freeing about writing against a deadline, without hovering over every word too long… although I must admit, hopefully I can avoid all the pressure that entails next time 🙂
I was so delighted to see you win, it was just a huge thrill. I hope you take that excitement of going for it and bring it to all of your work.
Thanks so much for this, Pam – it was so wonderful to finally meet you last weekend. The entire conference was a huge reminder of the power of storytelling, and I can’t wait to try and compress everything that was shared into my next stories. Hope all is well with you post-BP!
What a motivating story. My heart was racing too as the story proceeded. Glad you won, I love your writings too.
I too was so skeptical recently and had almost decided not to participate in a travel story writing contest held by Expedia. But then I finally wrote, thought it was not so good and after a couple of months was off on a 6 days all paid trip to Japan.
Have a wonderful Sunday Candace 🙂
Wow, Arti! I loved hearing your own story as well…another perfect example of just trusting our instincts and following through with what we need to do – even when we feel it isn’t our best work. I’d love to hear more about your trip to Japan – is it on your blog? Thanks again for your comment and for all your support, it means a lot!
Very true that Candace, yes we need to get the best of our fears if we aspire to keep growing in life. 🙂
About the Japan trip, this was my contest entry that won the prize —
The Village Woman by the Riverside
It was a contest held on IndiBlogger, an Indian blogger directory. Here is the contest page, Expedia Contest Page on Indiblogger.
And this was my blog entry I wrote, on the day I left India for JapanDo check it out .
Please excuse me for such a spammy looking comment. Hope you wont mind it. 🙂
Of course I don’t mind, Arti! I asked you for the links, after all 🙂 Thanks for sending them through, I look forward to reading over them. How fortunate that you were able to win two trips – where did you end up choosing for your Kissan-sponsored trip? Thanks again, Arti, and I hope all is well in Mumbai!
Hi Candace, I recently discovered your blog (thanks to a post about the rickshaw run on Matador if I remember correctly). Congrats to winning the essay contest! Proves that pushing through those challenging moments is well worth it in the end.
When it comes to living boldy, I’ve found that the less you think and the more you just do, the easier it becomes.
Thanks for your comment, Erica! I really appreciate you taking the time to check out both my Matador piece and my blog here. I couldn’t agree with you more about thinking less and doing more – it really helps fight past any feelings of fear and doubt, doesn’t it? Just bite the bullet and get on with it 🙂 Thanks again, and I’m off to check out your blog now!
Well Done Candace,
Your piece was a well deserved winner, it was a real honour to hear Don George read it out on the last day of ‘Book Passage’,
Namaste,
Siobhain
Thanks so much, Siobhain! It’s great to connect with you here 🙂 I’m sorry we didn’t have a huge chance to talk at Book Passage, but hopefully we can change that next year! Is all going well back in Ireland post-BP?
Thanks for your inspiring story. It was just what I needed for encouragement today!
And thank you for your comment, Beth Ann! I’m so glad to hear it encouraged you…your kind words did the same for me today.
What a great story! Congrats on your win- I must admit some jealousy, as every writer grudgingly does when someone else’s efforts are appropriately rewarded; however, your story so aptly describes the constant battle between winning and losing, and I’m sure you deserved it!
I actually started following your blog after Doug Howell passed it on to me; turns out I started working at Winnies shortly after you left : )
So keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more…
Kelli
Thanks so much for saying hello, Kelli! It’s always fun to hear from another traveling writer, but even cooler to hear from another Winnie’s alumna! Did you love it as much as I did? 🙂 And how long were you in New Zealand for? Great to connect with you here, I look forward to following your blog too!
I find myself often teetering between following my heart and sucking it up and moving forward. To your point, when those doubts creep in, they’re not usually my heart’s desire. It’s usually fear or embarrassment or shyness coming through. The next trick is figuring out what it is I really want to do!
Congrats on winning the contest! I had no doubts. 🙂
Thank you, Margi! I always look forward to hearing your words of wisdom. Yes, there is definitely a lot of embarrassment on my part as well… this sense of, “But what if my essay (or whatever it may be) is not good enough?” This has been a huge push to me to just go for it, and not worry so much about what other people will think. Hope you’re well!
Your essay was beautiful, Candace. I wish I’d had a chance to meet and talk with you at Book Passage; maybe next year. Here’s wishing you an awesome future of inspired encounters and memorable travel moments.
Thanks so much for your comment, JoAnna, and for your kind words – they mean a great deal. I too wish we’d had more time to talk at Book Passage. There was just too much to take in and cover for four days, in my opinion 🙂 But it sounds like you’re planning to return next year, which I definitely am well, so here’s to the many wonderful conversations to come!
Hopefully next year I have my voice. That will make the conversations a lot easier. 🙂
Yes, here’s hoping for sure! What a disappointing time to lose your voice. Next July, you’ll have to take unusual amounts of Vitamin C as a precaution 🙂
Awesome post! How much we hold ourselves back – I’m really working on telling myself to turn off that chatter in my mind.
Awesome moment -watching you win. See you there again next year???
Thanks so much, Lenore! It was wonderful to finally meet you at Book Passage and share such an inspiring weekend with you. I will definitely be there next year – it’s about the only thing I have on my agenda so far, but it’s a can’t-miss now 🙂 Here’s to an exciting, chatter-free year ahead of us!
I’m so glad you finished it and can’t wait to see all of the opportunities that come your way. I had been having the same fears – fear that I could be successful but it’s nice to know I’m not alone. So proud of you Candance!
Thanks so much for your kind words, Natalie, they mean a lot. It was so fun to finally meet you at Book Passage and share that awesome weekend together. I’m excited to see where this year takes us both, what with all our fears being totally irrelevant now!
I loved this article! I have struggled for sometime trying to find that one thing I want to do with my life. I moved to New York City a year and a half ago and I loved it. I loved the new adventure, but I always knew that I wanted to travel the world. I will hopefully be leaving for Georgia in a month to teach English. I also want to start my own travel blog. This has inspired me and I am glad I came across your site!
Thanks! 🙂
Hi Brittanie! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out The Great Affair and for your comment, it’s great to hear from you. I know exactly what you mean about always knowing you’d wanted to travel the world. I think sometimes our wanderlust is pretty unexplainable, that there’s no real reason for it (i.e. you grew up traveling, etc), but nevertheless – sometimes, we just have to go!
I’ve heard great things about Georgia, and I’m sure teaching there will be quite the adventure – one definitely worth blogging about 🙂 Hope to see you here again soon!
Oh and Congrats on winning the essay contest!!! 🙂
Thank you!! It was a huge surprise and such an honor to receive. I appreciate your kind words, Brittanie!
Wow! Congratulations on keeping the dream alive! I shared this with our girls, who are also each pursuing, hard, after their dreams.
We all used to go to church and homeschool together when we lived in Virginia.
So happy you are living the life God poured into you from the beginning!
Julie Dennis
Hi Julie! It’s so great to hear from you here – thanks for saying hello 🙂 I really appreciate your kind words, and am excited that it might inspire your daughters as well. I’m so glad to hear they’re pursuing their own dreams, and wish them all the best! Thanks again, Julie, and I hope you and your family are well.
Wonderful news, Candace! I’m so happy for you. I’ve read some of Don George’s work, and he’s been instrumental for me, too. Well done 🙂 Where are you these days?
Thanks for your kind words, Zak! They mean a lot 🙂 And I’m currently in India…”based” in Delhi, but have really only spent a few weeks there so far. Working for The Adventurists and a couple NGOs has kept me moving around the country quite a bit! How are things on your end?
I am just reading this post now – 5 months after you wrote it. This past week I have been toying with the idea of entering a contest where the prize is what I have always dreamed of doing. I am generally a person who lives boldly but I have been hedging on this one since it like such a remote possibility I could win. Thanks for the “kick in the pants!” I am going to sit right down and scope out a plan to submit my project. The best advice my father gave me was never say – “I should have!”
Congrats on your win!
Thanks for checking out this post, Katie! It’s wonderful to hear it’s given you a bit of motivation to enter that contest…you’ll have to let me know how it goes 🙂 And I love what your father said – it goes right along with my belief that we should never live with ‘what if’s’. Although taking a chance or risk can feel daunting (or even in the case of these contests, a little pointless!), you never know how it will turn out. Thanks again for your comment, and good luck on your submission!