“We must do that which we think we cannot.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt
You know that point in the road you come to sometimes? The road being your life and that point being, well, the point of no return. The point where, if you go in one direction at a crossroads instead of another, there’s a pretty good chance your life will never, ever be the same again. Ever.
Ah, you know it? Brilliant. So when I say I found myself at such a crossroads two weekends ago, you totally get it, right?
Because I did — found myself recently returned to London, asking a very unexpected question:
What if I go back to India?
I didn’t mean next year, or in five years, or some day. I meant now.
It doesn’t take long to recognize what is happening in that moment, as the pro/con lists start forming and the answer plants itself in your gut: a life change. You know it and can feel it as surely as you feel the frigid winter air when you step out the door in the morning. You know there’s no going back from here.
Life change: the good
It can feel exciting, can’t it? When you’re suddenly filled with an exhilarating sense of purpose, assuredness, as though a window opens up and gives you the most fabulous taste of your future and what your life can be.
“It’s where we go, and what we do when we get there, that tells us who we are.”
— Joyce Carol Oates
The thought of returning to India sometimes has me as giddy as a kid on Christmas Eve. Figuring out what I’ll do first is impossible — get a cup of chai? practice my Hindi? try to convince another rickshaw driver to let me have a spin behind the wheel?
And that is what’s good about life change — it gets you excited again. It keeps you from falling asleep at night, and makes you press snooze one less time in the morning.
This decision has taught me that much: inspiration is worth fighting for.
Life change: the bad
But just as I can almost taste the sweet swirls of cardamom and cloves in my first masala chai, a whole other set of emotions kicks in: fear, doubt, confusion. The what-the-heck-am-I-doing’s and the why-doesn’t-life-have-an-undo-button’s.
“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”
— Anatole France
When I think about leaving my life here, I almost change my mind. Go racing to the post office, mail in my post-study work visa application.
While I loved my first six months in London in 2008, it was only during this past year that I really set down roots, formed lasting relationships and built a base here. Am I really ready to uproot myself again and start over?
By the time I get to Delhi in May, the opportunity to have applied for my UK visa will have passed. It’s now or never. By choosing India, I am closing the door on a life in London.
Sometimes when you reach a point of moving forward, all you can dwell on is what you’re leaving behind.
Life change: the terrifying
What if you fail? What if your gut was wrong? Over drinks the other night, a friend asked me, “I assume you have a safety net in case things don’t work out?” I kind of smiled and nodded reassuringly to answer him — all the while thinking: I don’t.
“Always do what you are afraid to do.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
But that’s the point of a life change, isn’t it? It’s an irrevocable shaking up of things. Life isn’t a room we can rearrange, only to push the sofa back to its original spot if we don’t like the new design. It’s about stepping out in faith that the road we choose will unfold itself as we walk down it, no matter how unknown it feels right now.
Have faith that the new possibilities of a life change will outweigh the pain.
Have faith that the best decisions we make for ourselves are sometimes the hardest.
Have faith that you’ll be okay.
“You can’t design your life like a building. It doesn’t work that way. You just have to live it and it will design itself. Listen to what the world is telling you what to do and take the leap”
“the young man of that ancient limerick… who said “Damn, It is borne in on me that I am
A creature that moves, In predestinate grooves; I’m not even a bus, I’m a tram!”
i came across these quotes earlier this week… how apt! you have the courage, determination and faith in pursuing your own path and dreams.. am proud to know you.. 🙂 all the best!
Love the quotes, as always. You’ve gotta start attributing them though, haha. Where’s the first one from? I especially love that one! Thanks for sharing them.
haha i know i should but i don’t actually know who the first quote is attributed to 🙂
and about the life changes i made (will make)… as you eloquently expressed it in this blog through Anatole’s quote, always is, it always will be a mix of good and bad, joy and sadness… and well if it was/is not maybe its not a big enough change!
Does it matter if you’re ‘running to’ or ‘running from’? Maybe not, and sometimes you can’t keep one from turning gradually into the other. But it would have saved me a lot of heartache and time (whole phases of my life, in fact), if I’d given this some honest thought before making that decision. I wish I’d known that that ‘thing’ I always sought elsewhere was actually quite small, mundane and familiar, and right in my pocket the whole time. Like a seed, that followed me everywhere, wanting only to be planted.
I love this, Paige–thanks so much for sharing such an insightful comment. Your idea that what you were looking for was right with you the whole time is exactly the message I try to convey in my book–that our pearl isn’t out in the world somewhere for us to find, but inside of us, waiting for the chance to grow. I’ll be mulling over your thoughts this week! x
Hi Candace, it was lovely meeting you yesterday!
This post resonated with me on so many levels. Our decision to move to the UK was like that. We already knew what it would take to move as we’d discussed and dismissed the idea on several occasions. We had two dogs and two cats and we would not consider moving without taking them with.
But then my husband came home from work one day and he was physically ill from the stress that working in his industry in South Africa produces (he is a health and safety manager, South Africans don’t like to follow H&S laws). I calmly suggested that we move to the UK and he just as calmly agreed. It was that easy. We made this massive decision without needing to discuss the pros and cons or the ramifications of our decision because we knew it all. We just knew that we were ready to move.
Can you not return to UK on any other type of visa or is this really it for you?
Hi Emm! I’m so happy you found me here, as I was going to have Jen send me the link to your site anyway 🙂 It was lovely to meet you yesterday, too–thanks so much for inviting me along! It’s always fun to not only meet other bloggers, but people who understand your lifestyle and the [sometimes difficult] choices that come with it.
Thanks as well for sharing about you and your husband’s decision to come to the UK…I really do get how the final decisions we make is sometimes much more peaceful than all the debating leading up to it. I’m glad you guys made the move and have enjoyed life in London so far! Do you think you’re here for good? I’ll definitely return to the UK to visit, but in terms of working, I can only apply for the post-study visa now as I’ve finished my degree. Hopefully everything in India will work out, and I won’t have to worry about any ‘what ifs’!
PS – what happened to your lovely pets? did they come with you? 🙂
Hiya! Our pets came with us and right this minute, I have the two dogs by my feet and the cats fighting for a place on my lap (where the laptop is). They stayed six months in quarantine, so that is not a decision I would ever make again. It wasn’t fair on them.
I am sure things will work out in India!
Wow! Is that what happens when you bring pets into the country? I had no idea a quarantine was involved…I’m sure that must’ve been hard, but hopefully it’s worth it now being able to have them all here with you 🙂
I never seem to have long comments to leave, because you sum it up so easily in what you write. But i always want you to know that I’ve read what you have to say. And I get it, and you get me, and I will miss you very much. But I think your decision really is a pearl.
Jen, this is lovely. Thanks so much for your support–going to India next was definitely unexpected, but it really does feel right, and I love what you say about it being a pearl. I’m really hoping so. Now you just have to come visit! PS – I overhead someone ask you yesterday how we met and you answered, through our blogs. It really is a cool story, isn’t it? 🙂
I’m in a very similar situation at the moment and will have to make some major decisions in the next few weeks/months. As much as I want to stay where I am, things aren’t quite going to plan in London. But then, I’ve already been here for four years, so if I stick it out I can apply for leave to remain in one more year…
Even though every decision is fraught with the “what ifs”, I need to remind myself of how privileged I am to be in a position where I do actually have choices.
Good luck with yours!
Hi Larissa! Thanks so much for saying hello, and for sharing a bit about your own situation. If there’s anything the past few weeks have taught me, it’s that following your instinct/gut/heart is the best way forward. And yes, I really agree with what you said about reminding ourselves that even though these situations aren’t easy, we are still blessed to have a choice about where to go next. Hope you’re able to reach some peace and clarity in the next few weeks!
Hi Candace,
great meeting you yesterday. Nice to meet the person behind the blog.
I am continually asked if I will stay in London and fully settle here. I honestly don’t know. I originally came to study like yourself and along the way met my partner. I’m going into my 4th year here but the original plan was to leave after 2. So I think you have to just go with what feels right and if for some reason it doesn’t work out or you just change your mind you know you at least tried. Fear of the unknown or fear of (fill in the blank) stops many people from taking the next step. Yes it can be terrifying but more often than not it also produces amazing rewards. It was extremely exhilarating making the initial decision to come to London but after arriving I thought maybe I made the wrong decision. After settling, meeting people and making those connections I knew that this was where I was supposed to be.
Hi Melissa! Great to meet you yesterday as well–and now that I take a look at your blog, I’ve definitely seen it before 🙂 I love your thoughts about whether or not London is the right place for you to be. Life as an expat can be filled with tension–torn between being home and away, or even between different types of “away”–but I am grateful for moments (such as our lunch yesterday) that I know I wouldn’t have back home. They make all the painful decisions worth it! Hope to see you at another meet-up soon.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there’s ALWAYS an undo button. New opportunities always present themselves after you’ve made terrifying leaps. You are not closing the door on London forever, you’re just closing it for now. And someday, you might be back in different circumstances or for different reasons. You might be somewhere entirely else. Who knows.
I’ve made a lot of terrifying leaps over the years and they’ve always lead to new and exciting terrifying leaps, each as wonderful and scary as the next. Take the leap – it IS the “redo” button.
Thanks so much for this, Megan–what great words! I love what you said about one leap leading to the next–that’s so true, isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve taken your greatest risk, another one presents itself. Hope you’re loving your new leap into London!
Very interesting post and something I was actually thinking about yesterday as I was chatting over the decisions I’ve made and the countries I’ve moved to over the years. Interesting to see that you’ve felt just as much terror as you have good – very honest approach!
Hey Will, thanks so much for your comment. “Terror” is definitely a great word for it–sometimes it’s impossible to know if your next big move is the right one…but maybe that’s the point! And yes–I’m always working on being more honest here, remembering to take off the rose-colored glasses I so often travel in 🙂